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Tuesday, January 22 Living

With 13 bathrooms, former Trump home could be a deal

President Donald Trump

The White House

Washington, D.C.

Dear Mr. President,

I know you’re busy running the country and tweeting and all, but I was wondering if you could spare me a few moments in regard to a real estate deal I am considering.

Let’s face it, when it comes to real estate, you are da man. (Flattery will get you everywhere, right?) Anyway, I am looking into buying the house you used to own in Greenwich that is on the market, and am hoping you might answer a few questions about the place.

Just to jog your memory, you bought the house in 1982 for $4 million, and then lost it in the divorce to Ivana in 1991. She then turned around and sold it in 1998 to its current owners for $15 million. They are now asking $45 extra large for it. I don’t want to rub it in, Mr. President, but I think “The Art of the Deal” might have come back to bite you in the asset.

The first thing that caught my eye about the house is its location. It seems to be in a nice quiet neighborhood. You haven’t heard of any plans to change the zoning regulations to allow for something like, say, apartments or beach access have you?

But back to the house.

I love the way it sits on its own little six-acre peninsula jutting out into Long Island Sound. Talk about privacy. I’ll bet you never even noticed when a neighbor jacked up his car in the front yard to work on it.

While I like the view and privacy, I am a bit concerned about the size of the property. Even with the outdoor pool, tennis court and putting green, there is still a lot of open lawn. What I’m wondering is how long it took you to cut it. Personally, I hate mowing the lawn, so this could be a deal breaker for me. My assumption is that you used a riding mower, and it took you a couple of hours. (This, of course, is if you weren’t pounding down some brewskis while you mowed.)

I have a similar question about the driveway. It is a driveway, isn’t it, and not a street? Did you snow blow it by yourself after a storm, or did Ivana help you shovel out? Also, what do you think the chances are of my hiring a neighborhood kid to do that job?

Oh, here’s another concern in regard to the driveway. Did the refuse truck drive up to the house, or did you have to drag the cans to the curb?

Aside from upkeep, the other major disadvantage of the house from my perspective is that it is multilevel. I’m not getting any younger, so I had been really leaning toward a ranch. But then I saw the house has an elevator. You think an elevator is better than one of those chairs you sit in to get you up and down the stairs?

Speaking of getting older, the house’s No. 1 attraction for me is that it has 13 bathrooms. As I am sure you have discovered, when you get to be our age you can’t have too many bathrooms.

Finally, there is the matter of financing. Here is what I am thinking, strategy wise. I play hardball and get the owners to come down, way down, on the price. Then I go to the bank and apply for a 75-year mortgage to keep the monthly payment down. I anticipate the bank might be a bit reluctant initially given my income, but I figure I can sway them by pointing out my intention to rent out the guest house, bays in the garage and also charge people to come in and use the pool.

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Of course, this deal would be contingent upon the owners agreeing to leave the washer/dryer.

What do you think?

Jim Shea is a lifelong Connecticut resident and journalist who believes the keys to life include the avoidance of physical labor and I-95. He can be reached at jimboshea@gmail.com and on Twitter @jimboshea.